I Built A Suit Of Armor

Last night, while in the comfort of an office I have grown to love, I found myself simultaneously in a room full of people that were laughing at me. I was on my therapist’s couch but I was also frantically trying to find out what everyone was laughing at. I was begging familiar faces of people that I love and trust to explain what I had done wrong. But no one would. And that’s when my brain built a suit of armor. … More I Built A Suit Of Armor

I Am Tired

It’s been a long year and I am tired. I have this sinking feeling, a familiar one, that the fire is going out. I see how other people burn and I remember that flame in myself. When I was younger, it seemed like I was constantly ablaze. And now life has slowed me down; which burns in a different way. I am afraid of growing old quietly. There is as much pain and injustice in the world now as there was when I took these pictures over a decade ago; but I am gentler now. … More I Am Tired

To Isaac:

To Isaac: “I love someone that was never born.” I saw that on a keychain that must have been made by a parent as empty as I am. I should have seen your face today, but instead I am using a due date calculator to try to convince myself that maybe I got the due date wrong. I never actually had one, not really. Maybe it’s tomorrow or maybe I missed it already. Even mothers who have lost their child have selfish mom moments. Well, mine is happening right now. … More To Isaac:

The Broken Lighthouse

It’s like the light is out in the lighthouse and I don’t know how to navigate my life anymore. I never had the lighthouse to look at before, so why does it matter if the light is out now? How can someone that I never met make such a difference in my ability to make decisions? I don’t know. I just know that something inside of me changed when I saw those pink lines and I can’t go back. … More The Broken Lighthouse

Wind-Up Toy

When suddenly, one day, it was quiet her mind
She heard a strange thumping noise, familiar and kind
A wind-up toy that found herself suddenly unwound
Could hear, or feel, an almost undetectable sound
Pounding in a chest more used to hearing cymbals clang
The toy began to weep. Through tears of sorrow she sang,
“I have often wondered what it felt like to be real
But I had no idea how much it would hurt to feel
How can I keep singing with this pain inside my chest?
Will anyone sing with me this song of brokenness?” … More Wind-Up Toy

Just Standing

Are you ever just standing? I don’t mean leaning leisurely under the shade of a giant tree; or at the base of some magnificent thing that you are observing. I mean just standing. Like you are at the edge of a bridge, a sturdy one – not the kind you are afraid will give way beneath you, but you don’t cross over. Or like you got to the top of the slide and just stood there, looking at it. … More Just Standing

Commitment to Community

I have not always been merciful to my community and it has not always been kind to me. I have doubted its loyalty and distanced myself from the possibility of pain. I have shown up unwilling to work or waver in my stubbornness. I have listened to the lies that my feelings told and let them rot and spoil in the dampness of my mind. I have not treated my community’s wounds because I believed that it had earned them. But I am committed to my community as a wife commits to her husband. … More Commitment to Community