I have always felt that I had great rapport with my Beliefs. I have had this consistent unspoken confidence that I could wander away from the Right Thing and it would always be waiting for me when I got back. I knew that even after 25 years of doubting my Instincts, they would not fail me. They would not repay me by rising up one morning in utter silence. But -despite my assurance in their loyalty and as a response to all my doubting – one day, they did.
Recently I woke up to an empty mind, a still heart, and a quiet world. If this sounds to you like a proverbial walk in the park or a dream come true, then you’ve never lost contact with the Voice inside of you. I didn’t realize how much I needed the Noise to direct me. I have become accustomed to the way that the Narrow Path made just for me was right in front of me, always loud and always obvious. One day, everything was dark. Uncertainty had won and I stopped believing that I would ever hear my own heartbeat again.
Sometimes the heart breaks. Sometimes it shatters. And sometimes it is ripped apart. But every now and then, for the particularly unlucky and arrogant among us, it is pressed down upon with so much pressure that you fear it will burst. To get what it deserves is the heaviest burden the heart can bear and the hardest secret to make bare. Egotism is like the sweater that you decide you don’t want anymore. You have to own up to it to in order to return it, receipt in tow. We must first admit that we were no longer listening to find out why Purpose stopped talking to us.
I think I found my way again this morning. Light was given back to me, given into darkness. And I can hear the Whispers again. Not shouting like they once did, but gently consoling an unruly and undisciplined girl in search of God-knows-what. I think that, perhaps, they are finally tired of shouting. If I want to hear them, I will have to keep them close. I will have to stoke the fire every single day (without fail) to remind myself of my need for them. I will have to turn an ear constantly inwards and listen for the truth inside of me. If you get one word a day but you only listen to the sounds in your chest every now and then, a perfectly decent sentence becomes nonsense.
Henceforth, I will never stop listening; because I never again want to wake up in a world that does not play tug of war with my heartstrings. The idle mind is far more dangerous a weapon than the mind hell-bent on something, anything. To make you feel lost inside a house that you built is life’s cruelest trick and to be found again is our greatest endeavor. So if you are praying for a holy silence, be careful that you are ready for a loneliness that has no voice, no face, and no exit. And if you are lost in a world that feels desolate, wait just a little while longer and you’ll hear again…but only if and when you are ready to face the music.
Captain and Dorothy listening on the couch.