You can be healthy, right, and whole

Recovery sometimes feels like you are trying to swim up for breath with the weight of the world tied to your ankles. Sometimes it feels like it is working, like you are different and changed for the better. And sometimes it makes you feel guilty for letting yourself believe that you are making progress. If you don’t know what addiction feels like, it goes a little something like this: you are staring at a pack of cigarettes and trying not to think about smoking but all you can think about is trying not to think about it. You really and truly believe that one bite of something decadent will fix everything that is wrong in your world. It feels like nothing is as good as giving in to the control of some external thing that will make you momentarily believe that you are the happiest you have ever been. Addiction feels like you are trapped in a body that isn’t yours. And sometimes recovery feels like you are trying to open a door without a knob. BUT sometimes recovery feels like believing for the first time – maybe ever – that you can be healthy, right, and whole. Sometimes recovery IS working and you ARE getting better. Sometimes it is looking in the mirror and feeling like you are fabulous. Maybe I do have a double chin and a big tummy because I let myself destroy my body for temporary fixes in the past but THAT IS MY PAST. Today I am fabulous…double chin and all.

fabulous

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