A Staring Contest with Grace

Kisatchie National Forest

I have sat down in front of Grace many times and stared long and hard into his eyes; but still I have never found him wavering. I have never seen him look away, nor have I seen him calculating my worth against the cost of loving me. I have been so consistently seen and so constantly forgiven by the Cross that I should have learned to trust it completely by now. When I rejected my redemption, it followed me. When I forgot my purpose, my purpose remembered me. And when sin made me believe that I was holy or it convinced me that I was filthy; when I didn’t care to know God more or I didn’t think I deserved to; and when I turned my back on Grace – even at the moment that I kissed his cheek – he never so much as blinked.

I have found inside the deep black pupil of Forgiveness’ eye a longing for me that makes my chest hurt. He waits for me and woos me and he believes that I am worthy. This – the staring contest that I did not knowingly enter, the one that will last forever – is changing me. I turn my eyes. I blink. I cry. I close them as tight as I can and when I open them again, Grace has not left me. I tell him that he has won and that I have failed. But he does not look away. He wants me to see more of what his eyes are carrying behind them. Why else would the champion of my sanctification keep letting me play when I have been beaten time and time again?

Grace has been watching me for years, he knows when I will falter. He knows when I will quit and when I will return. He knows all there is to know about me, but he stays with me because I don’t know enough about him yet. He wants me to see that he pursues me from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. That he watches over me while I dream and cares for me even when I don’t see him or feel his presence. Grace has always loved me and he always will. He is simply waiting on me to love him back. And even though I know that I will not be able to love him well enough, I WILL love the Grace that has loved me and saved me to the best of my earthly ability and with all that I have. Because he has earned that much from me and so much more.

fire pit – Kisatchie National Forest

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