To reach down into the hole that I dug for myself and offer me holiness, is unpredictable, inexplicable, and counter-human. The God I have come to know and love is unfathomably charitable in the face of all of my sickness, and for that I am too grateful for words.
I have tried so many times to say it, to give it words, or put it down on paper. I have come to the edge of expressing it many times, but every time it comes out as gibberish. I don’t think there is a way to pronounce it correctly to make it come out right. How can I thank someone for their Son’s breath and blood? How do I thank Him for saving me when He just keeps on saving me- everyday even more than the day before? The more I know God, the less I feel that I am capable of praising Him sufficiently.
He has walked with me so closely for so long that we’ve begun to share the same heartbeat, yet I cannot begin to tell Him how much He means to me. It is hard to express gratitude to the closest companion I have ever known for never having left me; when I know that I have neglected Him a million times over. It is not easy, with human understanding and a human capacity for love, to comprehend the vast kindness of a selfless God. And with every glimpse that I am given of the pain my sin caused Him when His forgiveness ran down the cross and causes Him still each time I turn my back on His word, I am paralyzed with awe.
I am glad to be forgiven in so consistent a way that I have, by human standards, a reason to doubt that it is true. Because having a divine God who has been nothing but faithful to me and who barters with Sin to rescue me every time I fail, is simply unbelievable. To reach down into the hole that I dug for myself and offer me holiness, is unpredictable, inexplicable, and counter-human. The God I have come to know and love is unfathomably charitable in the face of all of my sickness, and for that I am too grateful for words.
For my redemption, for the cup that did not pass from you, for your light in my darkest days, for your kindness in dealing with my sin and shame, for you presence by my side eternally, for your son and your spirit, for “it is finished” and “forgive them, for they know not what they do”, for never giving up on me, for being better than I can understand and more than I can see, for saving me each minute of every day from my desire to wander, for your patience, for your friendship, and for your love…God, help me to give thanks.