Help My Unbelief

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I find myself identifying with the man who wanted to possess a firm trust in a firm God so badly that he begged Jesus to help his unbelief. That cry from a desperate father hoping that a mustard seed would be enough to heal his son, resonates with me. Not because I am a father and not because I need healing, but because I need to know that the prayer “help my unbelief” will be heard. I am so sick of hurting a faithful God because I don’t believe – after all of his intervention in my life, after all the storms he has calmed, and after all of the grace he has given me – that he works things together for my good.

Because I have been “Ye of little faith” instead of the Widow with Two Copper Coins – who gave freely when she had nothing and believed that her obedience would be honored…Because I want my two cents to be the offering of a broken and trusting servant not the unsolicited gab of a selfish child…

Help my unbelief.

When I ignore your voice because I don’t like what it’s saying…When I am the thief on the cross asking you to save me from pain instead of the one that recognizes that you are saving me already…

Help my unbelief.

If I wake up and I find stillness off-putting and knowing that you are God a chore…If I deny you three times just like you said I would…If I forget to set a place for you at my table…

Help my unbelief.

Because sometimes I want the Apple more than I want your fellowship…and sometimes I hate myself in the nakedness that follows that choice…

Help my unbelief.

If I wake up in a fog and I feel like I can’t see past my sadness, remind me that you have made a lifestyle of walking your children through the haze until they can see again. Remind me that the company I keep in following you is full of men and women who were afraid to sacrifice their son on the altar, to build a boat, to free their people, to leave their jobs, to climb down from a tree, to fight, to walk around a wall, and to trust that you would heal their son and help their unbelief. But you took that fear and you helped them to know you more and love you more. Help me now – like you have helped your children through the ages – to know you and love you. God, help my unbelief.

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