The Broken Lighthouse

Crump Acres being built when my husband was a toddler. 

My due date should have been coming up in August and I can’t help but wonder what my life would look like with a child in it. Would it look like this picture of my husband as a toddler? Sometimes it is hard to think about anything else. I make my decisions based on what is best for me and my husband, as I always have; and even that feels wrong now. I should be making decisions based on what is best for our child too. It’s like the light is out in the lighthouse and I don’t know how to navigate my life anymore. I never had the lighthouse to look at before, so why does it matter if the light is out now? How can someone that I never met make such a difference in my ability to make decisions? I don’t know. I just know that something inside of me changed when I saw those pink lines and I can’t go back. I love the instincts that God gave me to care for my child, but it is so hard to turn them off when the child never comes. Once we realize that there is a lighthouse to show us the way, isn’t it natural to look to it for guidance? Honestly, I am more afraid of drifting in the dark than I am of the storm. But all we can do is keep looking at The Compass and trusting that He will guide us until the light comes back on. And even if it never shines again, I will always be grateful for the baby that showed me that it’s there.

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