To Isaac: “I love someone that was never born.” I saw that on a keychain that must have been made by a parent as empty as I am. I should have seen your face today, but instead I am using a due date calculator to try to convince myself that maybe I got the due date wrong. I never actually had one, not really. Maybe it’s tomorrow or maybe I missed it already. Even mothers who have lost their child have selfish mom moments. Well, mine is happening right now. Because I know you are fine. You are safe and loved. Heaven is sweet enough for someone that was too little for earth. But I am still here trying not to be in pain. A string of pink lines, all lined up on the bathroom counter on the day we met keeps flashing in my mind. That’s when you made me a mom. I want to make you proud. But you are far away and I can feel how not-here you are. I want to do something significant, be someone who matters, leave a mark on this world. I wanted you to be that mark, the most significant thing I could ever give the world. Today, more than most, I wanted you to be close. I know it is selfish to want your baby to cry. But I really wanted to hear you cry today. You will never have to cry and that should make me happy, but it makes me sad. Little angel, I carried you for your whole life and I will love you for all of mine. I don’t get to hold you today, but I will one day. Until then, I will try my best to make you proud even on my selfish days – especially on my selfish days.