I Am Tired

05
Homecoming with the first boy to break my heart.

It’s been a long year and I am tired. I have this sinking feeling, a familiar one, that the fire is going out. I see how other people burn and I remember that flame in myself. When I was younger, it seemed like I was constantly ablaze. And now life has slowed me down; which burns in a different way. I am afraid of growing old quietly. There is as much pain and injustice in the world now as there was when I took these pictures over a decade ago; but I am gentler now. I think it is organic somehow. I was louder then, but not necessarily heard. I had energy without experience, passion without practice, and noise without knowledge. I still beg the Lord to use me and I trust that He does. But it is a slow and deliberate burn these days. I am trying to allow the remodeling of my person to make room for the growth of my heart. I am trying not to be discouraged by quietly investing in my world and letting the sound of my voice ripple instead of boom. I am trying to be pleased with individual impact, with gathering kindling for fires that I might never see lit. I still beg the Lord to use me and I trust that He does. But it’s been a long year and I am tired.


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