Addressing the Roots

For a very long time, we tried to fix everything that was broken in our marriage by suffocating ourselves under forced reactions to natural problems. Then, through therapy and emotional overtime, we started addressing the roots of the trees that were casting shadows on our marriage. And then, I got to know my husband in a new light. … More Addressing the Roots

You Are Safe. Keep Digging.

You are safe. Whatever you find, when you begin to look inward will not break you. When you have to tear down walls that you have been building since childhood needs were left unmet, keep going. When you are afraid of the new wounds you will get as you tend to old wounds that were never cared for properly, don’t quit. When you are on the brink of revelation, dig deep and find whatever is hiding under years of settled dust. … More You Are Safe. Keep Digging.

Happy Hunting

Emotional stability can often feel like a full-time job. Well, I’m putting in overtime today. Some days Peace might be hiding in yellow leaves on a tree – nothing spectacular, just something pretty that catches your eye. It might be tucked away in the bright red paint on the tip of Autumn’s brush. … More Happy Hunting

Empty Pockets

I reached the end of the longest road
And found a tollbooth there
Asking each who tried to cross
To pay a handsome fare
I dug in pockets that once were full
In search of something round
But empty hands came out the same
No payment could be found … More Empty Pockets

Self-esteem Doesn’t Grow on Trees

Some days, I feel lost in my own maze. I find myself frequently caught in the middle of moods that surround me on all sides, blocking my view of the sun. The days in my marriage that are hardest for me are the ones when it feels like something is “off” but nothing actually is. I have spent countless hours trying to bottle all the parts of our best days, so I could clone them later. But you can’t grow happiness in a jar. It can only be found in the wild. The movement and passion of organically grown joy has no synthetic equal. … More Self-esteem Doesn’t Grow on Trees

I Built A Suit Of Armor

Last night, while in the comfort of an office I have grown to love, I found myself simultaneously in a room full of people that were laughing at me. I was on my therapist’s couch but I was also frantically trying to find out what everyone was laughing at. I was begging familiar faces of people that I love and trust to explain what I had done wrong. But no one would. And that’s when my brain built a suit of armor. … More I Built A Suit Of Armor

I Am Tired

It’s been a long year and I am tired. I have this sinking feeling, a familiar one, that the fire is going out. I see how other people burn and I remember that flame in myself. When I was younger, it seemed like I was constantly ablaze. And now life has slowed me down; which burns in a different way. I am afraid of growing old quietly. There is as much pain and injustice in the world now as there was when I took these pictures over a decade ago; but I am gentler now. … More I Am Tired

To Isaac:

To Isaac: “I love someone that was never born.” I saw that on a keychain that must have been made by a parent as empty as I am. I should have seen your face today, but instead I am using a due date calculator to try to convince myself that maybe I got the due date wrong. I never actually had one, not really. Maybe it’s tomorrow or maybe I missed it already. Even mothers who have lost their child have selfish mom moments. Well, mine is happening right now. … More To Isaac:

The Broken Lighthouse

It’s like the light is out in the lighthouse and I don’t know how to navigate my life anymore. I never had the lighthouse to look at before, so why does it matter if the light is out now? How can someone that I never met make such a difference in my ability to make decisions? I don’t know. I just know that something inside of me changed when I saw those pink lines and I can’t go back. … More The Broken Lighthouse