Last night, while in the comfort of an office I have grown to love, I found myself simultaneously in a room full of people that were laughing at me. I was on my therapist’s couch but I was also frantically trying to find out what everyone was laughing at. I was begging familiar faces of people that I love and trust to explain what I had done wrong. But no one would. And that’s when my brain built a suit of armor. … More I Built A Suit Of Armor
To Isaac: “I love someone that was never born.” I saw that on a keychain that must have been made by a parent as empty as I am. I should have seen your face today, but instead I am using a due date calculator to try to convince myself that maybe I got the due date wrong. I never actually had one, not really. Maybe it’s tomorrow or maybe I missed it already. Even mothers who have lost their child have selfish mom moments. Well, mine is happening right now. … More To Isaac:
It’s like the light is out in the lighthouse and I don’t know how to navigate my life anymore. I never had the lighthouse to look at before, so why does it matter if the light is out now? How can someone that I never met make such a difference in my ability to make decisions? I don’t know. I just know that something inside of me changed when I saw those pink lines and I can’t go back. … More The Broken Lighthouse
When suddenly, one day, it was quiet her mind
She heard a strange thumping noise, familiar and kind
A wind-up toy that found herself suddenly unwound
Could hear, or feel, an almost undetectable sound
Pounding in a chest more used to hearing cymbals clang
The toy began to weep. Through tears of sorrow she sang,
“I have often wondered what it felt like to be real
But I had no idea how much it would hurt to feel
How can I keep singing with this pain inside my chest?
Will anyone sing with me this song of brokenness?” … More Wind-Up Toy
Advocate or abdicate? The voice inside your head,
The one that poses questions which you have come to dread,
Asks this one with clarity, without even a stutter.
You hear it in your gut, but you long for another.
It never stops asking, though you choose to ignore … More Advocate or Abdicate
I have rarely spoken his name and almost never heard it said. That’s the part about miscarriage that makes you feel insane. You fall instantly in love with someone you have never met, never seen, and have barely known. I decided afterwards that I needed to give my baby a name and a gender. Of … More Isaac, My Little Lamb
I have not always been merciful to my community and it has not always been kind to me. I have doubted its loyalty and distanced myself from the possibility of pain. I have shown up unwilling to work or waver in my stubbornness. I have listened to the lies that my feelings told and let them rot and spoil in the dampness of my mind. I have not treated my community’s wounds because I believed that it had earned them. But I am committed to my community as a wife commits to her husband. … More Commitment to Community
Grief is a hike in the woods on a trail you’ve never taken before. There is a pounding fear of being completely lost interrupted by the relief of seeing a trail marker. The path ahead is long; so long in fact, that you might never see the end. But there are signs along the way to remind you that you are on the right track, moving in the right direction. Coping with loss is more about looking for the trail markers than it is about seeing the end. … More A Hike in Unfamiliar Woods
Sometimes pieces of your past and pieces of your future die at the same time.
My grandmother and my baby are both gone and both missed, but my Hope survived. … More A Funeral, a Miscarriage, and Undying Hope
If God never gives me the things I await
I will love Him anyway
If He asks me to go or asks me to stay
I will follow Him any way
If God allows me to be burdened by some pain
I will carry for Him any weight … More Waiting is Worship